Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Nocturne (Press)

I hope that you can find me in the stars
just like I always see you in the sun,
for then the universe will know what's ours
and we'll exist there - tranquil, quiet, one.
Perhaps someday I'll sparkle in your eyes
as brightly as you shine each day through mine,
and then we'll both be innocent and wise,
complete and with conviction, for all time.
But we walk not in heaven, here on Earth:
and I cannot fulfill this need in me,
and empty, maybe, I'll forever be,
falsely feeling outcast, without worth.
And every day, I'll tread on this ground, blind,
the thought of lost sight always on my mind.


Anonymous said...

i really like your poem! It is so sad. It sounds like the secret love a girl thinks about at night when she goes to bed. Or something you would write in a diary. I think it sounds like a long love that the person is hoping to have.

Hilachita said...

ooo very nice. The iambic pentameter, rhyme scheme, and volta all work very well to your advantage in this poem. L4 and L12 seem a little out of whack, but the rest of your sonnet is AMAZING!!!

larkspur said...

I cannot tell you how excited I am that this is is in Shax sonnet form. You make me proud.

What about changing "like" to "as" in line two? The flow seems that it might be better.

I like the contrast of innocence and wisdom in line 7 -- and I almost want MORE of this addressed later in the poem; it seems that it would fit into the idea of lost sight (but I don't have any concrete suggestions for changes to the last few lines, sorry!)