Friday, October 14, 2005

You (revised) (address)

Okay round 2, ... address: Do my revisions at all add some clarity to the poem? Did I effectively remove my cliched phrases? Does it sound good :( ?


You

Sure
Fine
Whatever.
but, Know
that
you and her
is
you and me
use her
bend her
break her
abuse her
and there
Will
be problems
Choose
with care
respectful gentleman
or
apathetic joe?

3 comments:

esperanza said...

It sounds better, but I would almost just end the poem at "care." The last three lines just feel like they don't fit very well. But I think it has improved.

pinkroses said...

To tell you the truth, I prefer the older version to this one. It just doesn't have that flow that it once had... The last lines just don't fit with the poem. The rest of the poem is short, compact phrases when the last lines use big, longer words that don't really fit the tone of the poem.

achoo said...

Dude, whoa. Lol. I agree with both pinkroses and esperanza. I like the older version better,the last three lines are out of character for the poem (if that made sense). But I really love the use of capitalization to emphasize your point. Anyway, it's a really awesome poem. =)