Saturday, October 15, 2005

(No Title Yet) (Address)

address: I need title suggestions please...I just can't think of anything. Also, the ending gives away the rest of the poem, but does it flow? It seems choppy, and kind of...unfitting. One last thing (sorry), the "SLAP" lines- are they unfitting as well, or do they make sense?

I am in control
Finally, I have been waiting for this
The feel of freedom
My fingertips hold authority
SLAP
I look around
my mind's eye is
fixated
their lives are
mine
One wrong move
one
distraction
angry moment
blink
only one
and it's over
SLAP
SLAP
it's like the army
but I'm the general
the chief in command
the tactician
the first in command
and it's
a mutiny in progress
SLAP
SLAP
SLAP
It's too much to take
I can't do this
I let go
I freak out
they scream
and in one instant
it's over
SLAP
and then I hear
"Throw it in reverse
we've got to get off this curb.
And when we get home
you're scheduling another
driving lesson."

4 comments:

Hilachita said...

You could call it like student driver or something like that that doesn't give it away. The ending flows fine, but the "SLAP" lines don't make sense. Are you shifting gears? Are you hitting the curb? I at first thought you were slapping or someone was slapping you... (lol).

pinkroses said...

Yah, the slaps kinda confuse the reader a little bit.. I, yah.. didn't get it! But thats ok, the rest was awesome. :D

achoo said...

Ok yeah, the slaps were supposed to be like when you realize something really obvious, and you say "it just hit me that..." yeah. But I'll definetly change that thanks!

Hilachita said...

hey did you edit this one? I like it better, even though the slaps are still a little confusing. The pressure and responsibility of driving are really conveyed through this poem